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My Mourning Coffee

Posted by marnie on October 5, 2013 sub-stitutes

No, it’s got nothing to do with tinfoil (at least, I don’t think) nor does this addiction of mine have anything to do with my attachment to self-deprecation, avoidance, red wine, red vines, and picking a pimple no matter how I fully realize that it will not look better after.

Today’s addiction that I am dealing with-ish is to COFFEE-MATE. And, no, even though it’s probably been thirty years (shut up) of putting some form of it in my coffee, I did not know it had a hypen in its name until five minutes ago when I fully examined its label.

Yesss, I always knew I was attached to it. Much like tampons, I make sure I NEVER run out of it.  I buy at least 4 at a time and, if it weren’t a liquid, I’d travel with it, and for shit sure, I bring it with me to your house if I’m staying over for more than one night. I feel deeply loved if you remember to buy it for me. And, if you happen to buy the right one, the blue “lowfat” one, I’m your friend for life.

So, maybe I got issues.  But, I had no problem with my issues.  I mean, it’s been twenty years since I smoked a cigarette with it, so I figured I was doing well.

Until, that is, HE came to visit.

A few weeks ago (I’m trying to black out the exact date), a good friend of my sister’s came over.  Soooo, the guy happens to be a fairly prominent doctor.  Soooo, he looked in my fridge, took out my c-mate, read the label and feared for my life.

The bastard.

Soooo, he’s nice and smart.  Soooo, he may have written a book or nine and may take care of kings and presidents.

He might be wrong…

He looked me in the eye.  He lectured me. We proceeded to make fun of each other for the next few days, and possibly, I forked over his right to use my love of something detrimental to myself against me forever.

Yes.  A new good friend.

But, fine, admittedly, he got me thinking and fine, worse, he got me promising that I’d quit my c-mate by the next time he came to visit.

Does it count if he didn’t come physically to my house for the visit?

Sleaze aside, I am now three days without my mate.  And it’s not going so well. I’m unhappy, cranky, moody and don’t like my children.

Okay, it’s not so.  I like one of them.


Okay, maybe its not they.  Shit.  Is it possible that I am that attached to the following:

Corn syrup solids (what the fuck are those) or partially hydrogenated soybean and/or cottonseed oil (uh, can you put an “and/or” in an ingredient listing – what the fuck does that mean?!) sodium casinate (bomb material?), sodium aluminosilicate (holy shit), salt, and artificial flavor.

Yikes.  Hard to make a strong case here.  Even for me.

Hmm… I don’t sound so different than some of my clients trying to sell me why they shouldn’t dump the man that only communicates to them via text.

So, with the intention of keeping my promise, ‘cause well, only fair as I make my clients do same, I went out and bought the doctor recommended SUBstitutes.  And when I say that, I mean it, I bought all of them.  I was going to kick this habit. And, fine, truth be told, I wasn’t so optimistic (hard to believe), so I wanted options.

Drum roll.

All options sucked.  Soy is bullshit. Coconut milk creamers I got to believe are flammable.

And here’s the funnier thing or fine, sadder, depending on how you look at it.  In the past few days, I have discovered some of my very good friends (no accident am sure), are coffee-hyphen-mate-aholics too.  Milk has been ruined for all of us.  We ALL wake up in the morning specifically for that coffee-mate, the thought of not having it, has us want to hurt someone. Has us want to kill the messengers, the preachers of health and find their faults and burn them at the stake.  Okay, I can tell I’m a bit on edge with that last statement.

My name is Marnie and I’m in trouble or more so, those around me are.  Seems, Nestle is my crack daddy. And, though it does say on the label, doctor smartypants, that it has 0 grams trans fat, it’s cholesterol and lactose free and yes, praise Jesus, it’s gluten-free (oh, please), my life in the morning will never be the same.

Is my glow coming?  My medal?  Can I smoke again instead?

One day at time.  Stay tuned or better yet, stay away.









  1. Wendy commented on October 7th, 2013 :

    You’re on your own Marnie. I tried but my precious time with my morning coffeee was not the same with out my blue label, low fat, corn syrup solid havin coffee mate. Girls got have at least 1 vice…maybe 2:) W.

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