New Year’s HeavePosted by marnie on December 3, 2013
No doubt, probably (how certain do I sound?) one of my all time favorite things to do (besides complain, crack myself up and drink wine and/or an extra hoppy IPA) is list up my New Year’s resolutions. Thought I’d start early because lord knows I’m not gonna be so obvious as to jiggle my triceps at the gym first week January with the rest of the resolutionists, so might as well be the first one up now.
In no particular order, here’s what I’m promising shortly thereafter 2014, but by no means on the 2nd:
- I promise to stop doubting people that have been trained in fields I know nothing about.
- I promise to stop ending sentences in prepositions.
- I promise to learn what the fuck a hash tag means and care about twatting (winky face).
- I promise (or threaten) to blog once a week on my weekly blog.
- I promise to stop pretending I make pork ribs for my kids, not solely for me and looking slightly hurt when they complain about them (weekly).
- While we are on the pretense note, I promise to stop pretending that it’s endearing when I call my husband fat, just cause I put the “my” in front of it.
- I promise to stop making junior college jokes to my AP and honor class taking teen, just ’cause he loathes to do the homework on top of his other homework for his three-hour weekend SAT prep class.
- I promise to stop needing my 13-year old daughter to set her phone alarm to remind me to get out of the house with her in the morning and then complaining about the Phillip Phillips’ alarm, knowing well it could be One Direction-ally worse.
- I promise to remember to give my kids their money for allowance and when caught forgetting to give it to them, stop blaming them for it; however, brilliant of me.
- I promise to watch the road and not rely fully on the GPS that I distrusted (rightfully!) from the get go.
- I promise to stop bitching about how bad I look in photos when I’ve come to realize that one of the reasons I look so bad in photos is because I bitch as they are being taken.
- I promise to be more heartfelt if/when one of my daughter’s rodents fucking dies already.
- I promise to stop cursing my dear doctor friend’s name every morning when I drink coffee without Coffee Mate, just ’cause the mother fucker was trying to save an organ or three of mine.
- On that note, I promise to forgive Carnation for completely ruining my life. Fine, that’s an exaggeration, for ruining every morning of the rest of my now prolonged life.
- I promise to stop being mad at my husband for having the most god- awful taste in film. No really. The worst. And, even when I am generous as all fuck and let him finish watching the “movie” he started an hour before I entered the bedroom, from now on, starting tomorrow, I will have more patience when he tries to catch me up to speed about the aliens that took over Hawaii and are trying to phone home while simultaneously blowing up a battleship filled with goofily good looking navy seals.
- I promise to stop making jokes at the expense of others.
- I promise to stop calling my mother a potential speedy plug puller in front of my dad. Even though allegedly she put the dog she loved-ish “to sleep” on the very day the bitch perked up.
- I promise to remember from where I get my cold fuck.
- I promise to do more sit ups instead of sitting up and waiting for my tummy tuck.
- As numbers 1, 4 , 15 and 19 are out and out lies, I promise to promise less or, at the very least, not in print next year.